a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
