Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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