thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
