I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
