Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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