Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize