Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
