I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
