I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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