You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Randomize
