Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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