I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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