I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Randomize
