please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
