Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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