I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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