Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize