The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
