She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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