I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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