omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
