just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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