Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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