i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
