I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
