And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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