God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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