My balls are so social today.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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