: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
