I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
