I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
