I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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