his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize