I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
