so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize