i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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