Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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