Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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