i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
