I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
