My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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