My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
