my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
