she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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