he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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