I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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