You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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