Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
