You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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