I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
