i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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