Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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