he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
