I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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