please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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