Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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