Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
