I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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