I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
