Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
